The Clitoral Genious

Hello out there in listening land, You've tuned into RadioMike. Guarenteed bipolar radio!

So, currently drowning. Every major decision I've made in the last few months has been a serious mistake. Trying to be grown up, trying to find normalcy in the grind, not for me. I need to run away and start a revolution. Not economic, not political, the revolution will not be televised. We're establishing a brand new colony built on good vibes and rock and roll. I'm in a new band now, The Jukebox Romantics, hopefully soon be to found at our own website. We're your new favorite band, even if you've never left the lawn at Graceland. Mixing my album on wednesday and then a two week break because of scattered vacational needs. Then we're going to start playing shows and blowing minds.

Going to Boston. Wish I was staying. I think it's going to be a good trip. Sam Adams tours, Against Me! shows, and some new friends hopefully. Going to see Kaitlyn. Going to see Andrew. Maybe I won't come home. Yeah.

Left a picture in the river today. Left a note on it. Says "love you forever, this is it." If it comes back to me I guess it was always meant to be. If not I guess I'm just the same hopeless romantic I've always been, just without the direction.

Guess what? I'm currently miserable.
Guess what? I love you anyway.
Guess what? I'm in a great band.
Guess what? I'm running away soon.

End Transmission.
XOXO
MALARKY

Dark Knight was fucking awesome.

Seriously.

XOXO
MALARKY

...I doubt it though.  I'm not even sure that's the name of the band.  Worst acronym ever. It doesn't even spell anything.  Korn Men Feeding Deaf Monkeys.  That's gotta be it.

Lucas Daniel Murphy just sent me an illustrated and lettered mini story that I had send to him. It felt really cool to get it back, almost like I actually "wrote" something.  I should do that more often.  "Write" that is.  Everytime I try lately I've been writing really horribly trite crap.  I'm worried that my muse is living in a condo somewhere and she doesn't have me on her mind anymore.  I'm worried that I've stopped noticing that the sun keeps rising, I can't seem to find anything to help me climb out of myself.

Despite the river of sadness, I find myself in the fledgling new band that is yet to be named.  Ladies lock your doors, rock is abounding.  I am hopeful that I have creation back in my life.  I just want to make music to get away from how horribly banal and ...constricting everything else is.  I jokingly said to Andy's mom that I'd be working for myself when I turn 30 or I'll just start living on the streets.  What a dramatic asshole I am.  I was kidding of course but seriously? Fuck everybody that wants to make money off of my time.  Priority number one is live life as I want to see it done, and fight my way to it at any cost. Priority number two is get laid. Soon.  That's not entirely true. Push priority number one down to 1.5 and squeeze in save love as it exists in a pure and natural state.

*Sigh* Sounds of burning timber and the severing of things that hold my puppet limbs together

Hope the weekend brings me joy.  If you're reading this I think you're great. And I put your stapler in gelatin. Also, never trust men with moustaches or capes.

Adios Muchachos!
XOXO
Malarky

P.S. I picked that mood because this face looks like a molestation victim and I watched 6 hours of SVU today

But it bugs the shit out of me that "Live 365" is refusing to tell me what song I'm listening to currently.  Lovely anonymous Jamaican ska. 

I'm going to leave to get a drink of water.  But I'll be back shortly.

Delicious...

So I feel that lately I've decided to make a habit of guaranteeing rejection.  It obviously has everything to do with being interested in women with boyfriends.  Stupid.  Especially stupid due to horrible lack of emotional stability as of late.  Also, I should do my best to think like a self interested jerk if I'm going to act like one.

(I think that every ska band since 1950 has had to cover pressure drop for scene points)

Run away Michael.  Run away.  Learn to grow up.  Learn to fuck up.  Learn to be you.  Take what you want, leave the rest.

Cliche factories never produce anything valuable, they're metaphorical recycling plants dumping directly into my lazy, underdeveloped, overworked cerebral cortex.

I really hope I get a new job.  I'm so afraid of changing anything, as if I really have anything to lose.

I'm glad that spring is starting to show up, I miss beautiful days and reading under trees.

I've got ideas but no decisions.  What a great line, I wish that I had come up with it.

XOXO
Malarky

So today Len Riggio (of Barnes & Noble CEO status fame) posted a message on the Barnes & Noble intranet detailing our 2007 fiscal earnings compared to Borders.  I'm going to post it here in its entirety before I rant about how much it pisses me off.

    Yesterday, both our company and Borders announced fiscal 2007 year-end earnings results.  They could not have been more different.              While Borders spoke about the need to obtain new financing and about a possible sale of the company, we achieved our plan for the year         and had more than $350 million in cash at year-end without any debt.  As a result, we increased our dividend to shareholders.

    Of course, we are concerned and aware of the financial slowdown, which will affect all retailers as well as the economy in general.  As a             result, we do not expect 2008 to be a banner year by any means, but we do believe we will continue to outpace our industry and the retail             sector as a whole.

    None of us feels any sense of glee at the problems Borders may be facing, as we are both engaged in a business that serves the public         good.  Hopefully, they will see their way to a resolution of the issues they face, but these issues have nothing in common with us.

    Let's just stay the course.

Ok Lenny.  What the fuck?  Yeah for the company, because we make money for people that buy stocks?  Nevermind the amount of sheer waste the company produces in periodicals, strip cover returns, and packing materials.  Never mind the number of employees fired, and hours cut.  Never mind the bonuses paid out to store managers who make plan.  Never mind the Borders problem is that they would rather cut inventory before personnel.  That's why their problems aren't our problems.  Because Borders is doing a better job catering to customers and their staff then to shareholders, and the economy and stupidity in this country is creating problems for their bottom line.  If I worked for a company that told me, "Mike, we really appreciate everything you're doing here.  Company's having a hard time because of our inventory policies so there's gonna be less hours for everyone." I would say, "wow, that fucking sucks man. Tough break for us."  But I work for a company that says, "well store managers, if you want your bonus you better fire some employees and lean on the rest of them because if we don't make plan, the fucking bigwigs aren't gonna be happy with our closing cost on wall st."

So you know what? Fuck you Len.  Fuck you Steve.  Thanks for the piddly fucking raises, corporate standards, and making me really dislike a job I've generally cared for these last few years.  The shame is that I like most of the people I work with/for, and it's a shame that all of this business gets in the way.  Stay the course...what a fucking asshole.  He doesn't even go to the stores.  One time I had to find a book in the store because he was sending an assistant to pick it up from NYC.

Grrrrr to the Max!

XOXO
Malarky

Well, I've gone and done it.  All non-essential items (i.e. clothing, toiletries, and food) are in a box sitting next to Anh's bed.  This is my new home for however long I'm welcome.  I feel as though I'm going to be walking on eggshells for a bit.  I feel horrible.  I should endeavor to do as much as possible while I'm here to help out, as no rent will be forthcoming.  I really feel bad about imposing on Anh, it must be really weird for her.

I'm glad that people care about me enough to shelter me.  This is honestly the lowest I've ever felt in my life.  I'm subsisting entirely on the generosity of others.  I must look into bettering my economic situation, but it's really hard to be motivated through this depression I'm feeling. It weighs on me, as does my horrible eating habits and lack of sleep.  I must also do my best to fix these problems.  I must also remember that cynicism is not the same as realism. 

Peace be the journey.
XOXO
Malarky

Welcome back Mike.

Thanks LiveJournal.

We missed your ramblings.

I missed your anonymous presence in my subconcious.


So lately I'm concerned with the fact that my hypocrisy seems to know very little bounds.  At least as it pertains to women, specifically women with other men in their lives.  There are currently three (3) women that I wish to fornicate with, two (2) of which I already have, and all three (3) of them possess a boyfriend of some sort (or at least some other man).  When I think of fornicating with these women, my friends always have to say, "but she's got a boyfriend."  This may be true, but I don't.  I really can't find a lot of sympathy for said boyfriends, my lack of confidence compiled with a willingness of these women to pay attention to me totally overrides any sense of integrity or dignity I may have previously possessed.  Mai has brought up that it should be common knowledge to any of these men that I habor an interest in fucking their girlfriends, as "any guy that expresses interest in your girlfriend wants to fuck her."  So I guess I can't argue that what they don't know wont hurt them, as their suspicion is already piqued by my attention to their significant other.  Also I can totally empathize (though I choose not to) because of my recent adventures with the woman I love and her shacking up with someone who she "was hung up on the whole time we were dating." Does this somehow enable me to react, and subsume my desires for these attached women?  Of course not.  Because women are my vice, and my only serious weakness, outside of a lack of ambition, willpower, self-respect, and lack of reliable knees.  Oh, and allergies as well.

Hopefully we'll be seeing more of each other LiveJournal. I need to keep putting letters down on something.

Please don't leave me for two (2) years again Mike.

Stop being such a creepy fuck, LiveJournal. 

Today/tonight was a lot of playing on my bass guitar. Good times.

Biggish party at the VFW. I think we played one of the best sets we've ever played. People that I know don't like anything close to punk rock literally told me they were amazed. It felt really great, I wish we made some money off of it, it would give me hope for the future. I played so hard I broke a string. I was under the impression that bass strings weren't meant to be broken. Ooops. Big surprises of the evening for anyone listening, "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash, and "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake if I'm not mistaken.

Party Party Party. I spent a lot of time with a few different women. Wish I had gone home with a couple of them. I'm about to go climb into bed alone though. I think it's a combination of me being completely hopelessly stupid and stubborn, and another part of me being addicted to trouble. It's a bad habit of mine because it only leads to more lonely nights and tattoos.

XOXO
MALARKY

Lately I've been getting fucking headaches that keep me from doing anything but thinking about headaches. I think they're stress related, my brain really doesn't want to focus on one thing, it wants to flitter around. It wants to be free to sample from here, peck at this over there.

I have to deal with new fucking bureaucracy at Mercy. I can't register for classes because half of my fucking financial aid didn't go through. I would imagine this is something they should tell you before you have to find during registration. College can kiss my ass till it's blue in the fucking face.

Got my 5 year pin at B&N tonight. Good job? Don't know how I feel about it. Maybe I'm done there, maybe I can't really find a good reason to go.

Blah blah blah to that shit.

Tonight?...
Tonight I'm a million miles from Earth

I feel completely drained right now. I'm looking back at my teen years ( a whole 2 years ago) and I'm wondering how much of it I wasted. How much time am I wasting now? School is bullshit, I'm in a meaningless fucking job, and the only consolation I have is some form of unrequited I don't even know what to call it, my band I don't spend any time with, and a fucking internet forum.

I want to go on tour stat. I don't want to think about politics, education, money, women, and how much of a comparitively comfortable life I lead. Yet again my hypocrisy knows no bounds.

Pretend this Mike doesn't exist for you.

XOXO
MALARKY

Ok, so after tonight I can say without a doubt that I am maybe the dumbest person I know. And anytime I get close to something I want I monkeywrench the fuck outta myself. Never had to spend time waiting to puke before though. That was a first. I'm soooooo fucking pissed off at myself right now, and I don't even know if I should be. But knowing wouldn't stop me anywho. Fuck me I'm whiney this evening. Sorry anyone...I know you're out there.

XOXO
MALARKY

How you do that trick. You know, the one with the flaming marshmallows and the slippery chocolate crackers?

So I think summing up your life based on song lyrics is really trite and shows no real personal introspection. That being said I can't get the lyric "I've got ideas but no decisions" out of my head. You go to hell Matt Freeman, my hypocrisy knows no bounds.

I think my new goal is to find my own level of personal freedom. Best case scenario, come this summer I get an apartment/house with Seth and some other people, and I start making a living off of my music, and probably adopt a Chui Lee as well. Worst case scenario I stay at home and deal with the same bullshit.

I catch myself wondering if I romanticize how much people mean to me. I know for a fact that I can regress into such a cold callous asshole, and that guy slides around in my subconcious keeping me from really trusting most people. But am I also putting people on pedestals to compensate? My internal barometer is so fucked, I find it so difficult to trust myself, but I feel too self-concious to go to somebody else.

I'm really upset at the people who procreate nowadays. I'm mainly upset at only a few of them right now, but I really don't understand how you can treat children so poorly. How can they not mean the world to you, if you've made a concious decision to raise and shelter them? You're supposed to love and educate them, they're fucking helpless. Bad parents make me so fucking sick. I'm really wary of procreating. I know that I'd love my children forever, but I'd be so worried about not being able to take care of them adequately. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, what the hell would I tell my kids?

Whatever.
XOXO
MALARKY

I think I'm an open book.

I think I'm doing my best to avoid homogenization.

I think I take education seriously. I think I've been avoiding schooling my whole life. It sickens me to see the state my peers are in. Why the hell are people so fucking dumb? How has this been allowed to continue? I really want to slap people across the face with history books or something, just beat something into them. I don't understand how people can be so willingly ignorant. It just upsets me.

Kurt Vonnegut says that women want to talk about everything. And men want lots of pals, and for people to be less mad at them. What do you want from me?

I miss my best friend. I want him to come back.

XOXO
MALARKY

Ok, the play by play of cuddlejam 05:

Tuesday: Worked til midnight. Came home alone. Woke up alone.

Wednesday: Got out of night class early. Watched movies on television till 4:30. Woke up alone.

Thursday: Worked til midnight. Came home alone. Haven't woken up yet.

Cuddlejam 05

Misnomer or Neverwas?

You decide.

XOXO
MALARKY

Like Philosophy is such bullshit! Oh my fucking god! I hate it so much. I can't believe I'm fighting with a professor who is telling me that absolute truths exist, but when I argue a point, she claims it has too much to do with other factors. Yeah no shit lady, because thought doesn't exist in a vacuum, so philosophical theory is worth dicklint. I don't even know where to look for dicklint, so don't ask.

I feel so weird lately. I feel like I'm now just learning about how to think for myself. Not to have independent thoughts mind you, but to put myself before anybody else. It's weird for me to realize how much you care/ed about somebody in a retrospective. I mean looking back I think I could honestly say I cared more about her than I did myself. What do I do with that now? I don't know. I'm trying to reconcile myself with being/feeling alone, but it really fucks with me. I'm so afraid of just being somebody that everyone just forgets about. I think my biggest fear is dying alone or being unloved. I wonder why I'm really desperate for approval on some level, because I'm really a jaded fuck in most other places in my life.

I'm acting like such a petulant brat lately as well. I feel whiney. Lately I just feel like the best I can do for anybody is come in second. I just want to be on top of somebody's list. And that's been like a running motif for my life. I'm really not good at much except for reading/writing/bullshitting. Not really useful talents. Blah Blah Blah. I'm done whining.

My birthday's on Sunday. Show me some form of love. I'll accept beer, money, sexual favors, and homemade crafts of any sort. We're recording all freaking day, so hopefully I'll be in a good mood afterwords and somebody can come hang out with me for at least a little bit.

Money Changes Everything
XOXO
BREAD MALARKY

Today was a melancholy day. I felt really alone today. I think it's how I'm gonna feel for awhile. Practically all my friends have gone back to school. I wasn't bothered last semester because I had both Kim Mai and Jayson, but they're both gone now. Maybe this means I'll focus on school work for a semester but I sincerely doubt it. I think I'm definately going to drive around and make some campus visits as soon as gas stops fucking my ass until it bleeds.

By the way the brothers grimm sucks. I feel the need to slap hollywood film studios repeatedly. I can only wait for this feeling to intensify when V for Vendetta comes out and I'll want to rip nathalie portman limb from limb. Maybe even Hugo Weaving, though I loved him as Elrond.

I'm glad that I'm able to bitch about my stupid mundane bullshit on the interwebs. I'm glad that horrible natural disasters haven't totally destroyed everything I own. Does it put things into perspective for me? No. Realistically I'm jaded enough to be more concerned with my own petty bullshit. Does it make me a bad person? I don't know. I've been called that before. But there isn't anything I wouldn't do for one of my friends. I've got loyalty issues, and closeness issues. I've got family issues and I've got love issues.

I've been falling pretty hard, and I'm waiting to shatter all over again.

Nathan left for South Africa. This makes me really sad. I feel like I've been a really poor friend to Nathan, but I know he doesn't feel that way. I really admire him a lot. He's really desicive(?) and goal oriented. He knows what he wants and he'll do anything (ridiculous as it gets) to get where he wants. I envy him because he's so in love and he recognizes how lucky he is because of it. I pity him because I think he might let the feeling scare him away from something great.

I'm going to be 21 next week. Make something happen or let it pass me by?

Guess what?

XOXO
BREAD MALARKY

So this summer. Feelings? I dont think I got much accomplished. Got a new tattoo though, which made me feel a little bit better about all the shit that went on with Kim Mai this year. I'm hoping its gonna be a happy reminder of everything for me. So far it's doing a good job.

Wanted to have the new CD recorded by now, but shit happens. I think we're gonna get it done the weekend of my birthday, so it'll be a nice present. Also would be cool to get Mark from the Ducky Boys singing on the record for some punk rock cred. Take that no name charlies! (for the record i like us a lot more)

So me and women this summer? Couple of good times. But good times leading to what? Dunno. Would have liked to get somewheres, but definately settling for a couple hours of fun from some ladies. Don't think relationships is the way to go right now, but maybe cuddle/make out buddy sounds cool.

I think I'd be a good dad. Don't know why.

I'd like to by a 4-track recorder and make crappy recordings of whatever shit I can put together and call a song. Maybe I'll start writing country songs on my guitar. Just shoot me if I get into the realm of shitty almost folk. Cuz I really hate Joni Mitchell, and I don't want to get anywhere near that.

So I'm done with this crap for right now.

XOXO
BREAD MALARKY

Seriously, just break my heart or something. Maybe that's what I need. Maybe it's allready happened. Maybe if I just let it go I can get that one great song out of it or something. I'm so tired of maybes. I want it to either explode in my face so hard that i'm never gonna forget it, or I want everything to just work out fine. It could be amazing. It could just be fun while it lasts. I could never know.

Are you female? Are you single? (forget that question) Call this guy, as long as it's just gonna be comfortable and we can sleep together afterwords. Damn my personal ads suck. Um...Hey we can make out for a while and then I'll make you some pancakes! Sweet deal huh?

Whatever. Going to bed alone. I really think we should all get bed buddies. Sleeping alone is weaksauce.

Yeah so This guy has got a new set of wheels, so watch yourself. Or just ask me to hang out and I can. It's soooo disgustingly hot. I hate driving with my mother. I spent 4 hours in a car going to/from long island. Terrible Terrible Terrible.

So recent events have let me in on the fact that I will always let my head get in the way. I'm such a fucking idiot sometimes it's amazing. For real. Forgive me, I know not what I do.

So Chopper tagged me for some CD thing, and I'm not gonna tag anyone cuz I don't know how. My 5 CD's that I'm trying to not copy from his list are:

1) Choking Victim - No Gods/No Managers
2) The Pilfers - Chewalaleng
3) The Clash - The Singles (If that doesn't count then London Calling)
4) The Pogues - Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash
5) The Specials - S/T

No recording = a really fucking annoyed Mike.

We really need to get signed or at least go on tour. I really need to quit my fucking job. I'm so tired of having a pointless fucking job. I hate working just to have money. It's so terrible. I hate money too.

Why do women have to be beautiful and great? Why are they soft and warm? And why do they smell so good? It really fucks me up because they're also really fucking nasty, bitchy and annoying.